Love And Other Lies

I wrote this four years ago.

I want to preface this by saying that the issues I bring up here are generalized and put forth as examples, and no particular one describes anything specific that happened to anyone I have dated or known.  I am not trying to expose anything that was ever said to me in confidence, so I use examples made of a conglomeration of experiences I've had with many people. They are very real problems faced by people everyday.  In some cases their own experiences were not nearly as bad as the examples I cite.   In some cases the real stories are much much worse. (If you are a man, you should sit down and have an honest talk with any women in your life and you might be horrified to learn what they have had to deal with in their lives.)
It is a tightrope I sometimes walk with my writing, I feel comfortable telling complete strangers intimate things about myself and that inadvertently involves people in my orbit, and if it upsets them, I apologize. I am trying to concentrate on the effect here, not the specific cause.  This is not a big "Fuck You" to anyone.
Also, to any past girlfriend that might end up reading this, I realize not every relationship I had was like this, but most of them were.  No matter what, I don't regret anything or harbor any ill will towards anyone.  Not ever.  I hope all of you feel the same towards me.

Love And Other Lies

So a month or so ago another relationship came to an end.  I loved her very much.  We almost made it a year, then out of the blue it ended.  By virtue of being 50 I have had plenty of girlfriends in my life. They were all very special to me, but unfortunately fate and poor judgment dictated the outcome in most of them.  I’m not sure why, but I have always picked women that just weren’t ready or weren’t capable of doing what it takes to be in a real relationship.  Real relationships take work and sacrifice sometimes, they demand that you put the other person’s needs before your own at times, and trust that they will do the same for you. 

Trust. That’s a big one. 

Everyone has been hurt at some point or another by someone they loved or thought would protect them.  Some of us have been hurt in imaginable ways though.  Physically beaten by a parent or a partner that is supposed to love you and protect you.  Sexually abused by someone close when you are a child, or raped by a complete stranger when you are older.  I have had people tell me things that I have a hard time even thinking about now, and I wonder how they lived through it. These experiences leave scars and damage that in some cases even the victims can’t see, or in many cases don’t want to.  I have sat while some people told me about their childhood and how good it was as I cringed inside about the dysfunction and abuse they describe.  Sometimes it’s not even abuse that does the damage, but neglect.  I can’t blame them for acting badly in response to something traumatic and unthinkable that happened to them in the past.

Some people will say that they should get over it already, go to therapy and get some help.  Perhaps they should, but it isn’t as easy as all that.  What people don’t take into consideration is the fact that what it would involve is reliving the most horrible thing that happened to you over and over again in the hope that you will make your piece with it someday. 

Forget the fact that mental health services aren't even available to the majority of people in this country, therapy is essentially talking to someone for an hour about the most difficult thing in your life you’ve ever had to deal with, and then going home with an open wound and waiting a week until you can talk about it again.  That is not an easy thing to do, and I don’t know how you could do it without a big support system around you.

The problem is, most damaged people don’t have that.  They don’t trust people enough to let them inside.  In their experience the people that they trusted have hurt them, physically and mentally, blamed them for things that aren’t their fault, punished them for sharing their thoughts and honesty.

Which brings us to me.  I am very easy to talk to, I try not to judge, I make people feel safe.  What happens then is that women who could never trust someone before will trust me.  They fall in love, they are happy for awhile and they think that everything will be okay.  Unfortunately though, they still have all the damage inside, they are just ignoring it.  Still, they blossom, they feel so much better about themselves, and they feel freer than they have in a long time.

But …

Unfortunately no one else can solve your emotional issues for you. The unresolved issues always start creeping back in. They start examining everything you do, testing you constantly, and if their tortured psyches can latch onto any little flaw they perceive in you they will hang on to it like a dog with a bone.  Every time they bring it up it will be embellished, and much worse in their minds, and you can’t tell them anything different.  They expect more out of you than they do of themselves, and they blame you when you can’t live up to their unreal expectations. 

The primal part of their brain knows that you will fail them like everyone else they know has.  The damage is deep set, and it overrides anything logic or reality tells them.  It is like a test with no right answer. They will believe whatever they have to if it means they can justify running away, whether it’s into their delusional world where they feel safe hiding from life or to drugs or alcohol, or even to an abusive relationship where they feel they are being treated they way they deserve to be treated.

I think some of them use the fact that they broke my heart as proof to themselves that they are no good and the cycle of self-inflicted punishment and self-hatred continues. 

I want to be careful here and point out that it’s not just women, and most women are not damaged like this.  Plenty of men are just as messed up.  Ironically, it is usually these men that are the root cause of the damage that women are saddled with. 

Nor do I suffer any delusions that I am perfect in any way.  I have my own set of baggage, and my own damage.  Fortunately I somehow developed the ability to self examine everything in my life and understand that some things weren’t my fault, and the things that were my fault are forgivable. With that comes the awareness to try not to take my issues out on the people I care about.  I am very lucky in this regard. Some people are just not equipped to do this.

When the end comes, I see how much of what I thought was love was predicated on lies. Lies are tricky though.  I was guilty of talking myself into believing them because I wanted to.  The liar depends on this.  They know that people will always hear what they want to hear.  Our own good natures and desire to think that people are good at heart is sometimes our worst enemy, and a liar’s best friend.  Again, you have to remember that when damaged people lie they are not just lying to you.  Were they lying if they didn’t know it?  If they were lying to themselves?

So I can’t really blame them.  I don’t get the luxury of getting mad or hating them.  I love them and I feel sorry for them.  I sincerely hope that they figure it out, and if they can be happy with someone else someday, good for them.  It hurts, but I would rather see them at peace, even if it’s not with me.  Understanding other people and forgiving the things they do to you is painful, and leaves you swimming in the wreckage they leave in their wake, knowing you will never get closure or peace.  It’s something that they just can’t give you, and you have to accept it and try to live with it. 

That’s what I’m doing now. Again.  Past history tells me I’ll live through it this time, just like I did all the others.  I spend some of my time replaying things and wondering if I could have done anything different, but I know I couldn’t have.  Even if I had averted disaster this time, the following days would have brought more drama and turbulence, and ultimately the same result would come to pass.  The only thing wisdom has brought me is to not hang on to something that’s gone and cause myself more grief and pain. 

It’s little solace.

I also spend a lot more time examining myself and wondering why my relationships tend to follow these patterns. Do I just attract broken people?  Am I too gullible and trust too much?  Do I have self esteem issues myself and think a well adjusted girl wouldn’t want me?  I pick at all my faults over and over.  I am not afraid of being alone, although I do get lonely.  I like sharing things with someone, I like being close to someone, I like the contact and intimacy that comes with being exclusive to one person.  Do I see it where it doesn’t really exist? 

I don’t know, relationships are hard.  They are impossible when the other person is working against you. 

I sometimes feel time is running out for me.  As I said, I am 50 and most of my life has been lived at this point, barring some incredible medical breakthroughs.  I know plenty of people find love later in life, but the odds are greatly diminished. 

I will keep at it though, I’m sure.  I have always kept an open mind and I do my best not to project past relationships onto new ones.  I start them all with a clean slate.  I don’t get suspicious, or negative or jealous or possessive. I wouldn’t even start a new relationship if I felt that way.  I would be better off alone then in a situation where I thought the person I loved was lying and scheming from the start.  I know I am capable of giving love.  I am kind, generous to a fault and I feel I always make life better for the people I care about.  I guess I just have to wait until I find someone who can do the same. I know they exist, I’ve seen it.

Perhaps the trick is to get rid of any illusions of what love is.  I see other couples that are in long term, loving relationships and not one of them is exactly the same as the other.  Love is something different to everyone, and it’s never the same as we’ve been shown in movies and on TV shows since we were kids.  I look at some relationships and think I would never want that for myself, but the people involved seem happy and fulfilled.  I see other long term relationships that seem like a disaster, where the people don’t seem happy at all, and yet they still go on. 

I suppose that somewhere out there is someone for me. In the meantime, I just have to keep on working on myself so when she comes along I’ll be ready to give her the best that that I can.  Then maybe in her I’ll find the closure I’ve been denied all these years.

*A little epilogue to this whole thing: I wrote this over four years ago, and I have had it sitting in limbo as a draft on this blog since then.  I wasn't sure if I was getting my points across the way I intended.  I didn't want it to seem like some misogynist, women are psychos kind of thing, because that is not how I feel at all. I think I'm probably damaged as well, and even though I will convince myself that I am in a relationship with a complete and capable person, my subconscious knows I am not.  It seeks them out, and that surely must be some fucked up self esteem thing I have going on.  Or maybe I think it's romantic to try to save people, I don't know.  It's something I am working on, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm really that much better.
I also wasn't sure it was fair to post it.  As I said up top, I share a lot about myself online, but I don't feel right sharing things about other people that they might not want out there.  They aren't my secrets to share.  Reading it now, I really don't see anything in here that is a betrayal or too specific.  There are a lot of horrific and specific examples and stories I could tell, and I have pretty much avoided them all.  It was still very raw when I wrote it, so I wanted to wait a bit to see if it was something I really wanted to put out there, and then it kind of faded over time.
In the four years since this breakup, we got back together, but she wasn't even the same person.  She was much worse, and really treated me horribly.  There were a lot of lies and verbal and physical abuse, all kinds of things that mentally unstable people do.  I kept trying to help her, trying to fix everything, hoping the woman I loved would somehow magically return.  She didn't.  It just kept getting worse.  I ended up watching her life completely fall apart, and I got myself into a lot of debt trying to help her out.  I am still paying it off. 
If any of you reading this are in any kind of relationship with someone with the kind of severe mental health issues I've experienced, my heart goes out to you.  It is a brutal and thankless job, and it almost never ends well.  Having lived through it, and tried my best to help, I can honestly say that in my opinion, if the other person isn't trying at all to help themselves, you should walk away if you can.  That's what I ended up doing two years ago.  It still hurts, but I truly believe I would be dead by now if I didn't.  I wasn't helping her, and every other aspect of my life was suffering, severely.
There is nothing you can do for someone who doesn't want to help themselves.  Period.  There are no ifs, ands or buts about it.  You can't fix them if they are fighting you.  If you are in a position to have them committed, then that might help, but usually what ends up happening is that they get out in a few days and resent you for it.  God forbid if they are violent, because they will make you pay. 
My heart breaks for parents of children with severe maladies like schizophrenia and paranoia and other bipolar issues.  So many of them simply get to watch their children live in torment, until one day, they don't.  Then they live the rest of their lives with questions and guilt, and an empty space that can never be filled.
I'm going to stop here, because this is opening up a lot of old wounds for me, and while I might be pretty adept at laying this all out there for everyone, it really takes its toll.  All I can say to anyone reading is to try to be kind.  To everyone.  To the people who love you, to the people who have hurt you, to those closest to you, and to the strangers you meet everyday.  You don't know what they are dealing with, be it their own mind working against them, or having someone in their lives they are trying to help with it.  They might not be dealing with any of that, but they could still be heartbroken, bereaved, scared, lonely, anxious, stressed out from tragedy or simply daily life.  Simple kindness from you might make all  the difference to them.  They might not get it from anyone else in their life.
Would you deny them that as well?