State Of The Union

     I don’t know if it’s just me and my circle of friends, but it seems like most of the people I know are single. Many of them have been single since I’ve known them. I’m assuming this is by choice, because for the most part, they are not horrible human beings or unattractive. Not that personality or attractiveness seems to be any deterrent for dating or marriage, judging by some of the horror shows I see coupled these days.
     I know personally that many people are just tired of trying. They have been through the wringer, and are much happier on their own. I can’t blame them, really. I am 51 years old, and although I never really stopped trying, I have dated my fair share of looneys.
      I'm being glib. Not all of them were crazy. Many of them were at weird points in their lives, or incomplete, and sometimes it was me that was not ready or together enough to make it work.
     There are many people out there that are terrified of getting involved only to have yet another bad experience, or worse yet an abusive or damaging relationship. It seems much simpler and safer to just be alone. If you are not out there in the brave new world of online and camera phone dating, believe me, it’s not pretty.
     New technology has emboldened a lot of men, and the results are horrifying. I tell guys this all the time, get to know some women without hitting on them and slobbering over them, and earn their trust. You will be amazed at the stories you hear. Find out about the unsolicited dick pics. The sense of entitlement and the rage when men don’t get what they want. Most men don’t even realize how they are coming off. We are bigger and more intimidating than we think, and it is very easy to put a woman at unease.
     Not to blame it all on men though. Women are full of issues too. One of the things I come across these days are women that have behaviors that they are unhappy with, and feel are wrong, but do them anyway. They expect you to enable them, too. Somewhere they got the idea that love means agreeing with whatever they say and acquiescing to whatever damaging behavior they are engaging in, even when they know it’s wrong.
     And that’s not all men, or all women. There are plenty of well-adjusted, stable, capable of love people of both genders out there, I know that. Well, I assume that. It’s kind of like the giant squid. We see dead ones washed up on the shore, so we know they exist, we just never really get to see one in the wild.
     I also notice that most people have some weird, borderline obsessive compulsive thing going on these days. I know I do. I’m not sure, but I think it has to do with so much technology at hand, so much information and access to everything that is most likely turning us into psychotic automatons slowly but surely.
     I’m positive that 24/7 access to porn has ruined sex for most of us. It certainly has for our children. There are so many kids in their mid teens that have a warped idea of what sex is because the only examples they have are internet porn, or demanding boyfriends that watch too much internet porn.
     I’m not naive, I know that sex in all shapes and forms has existed for all time, but there was never this kind of bombardment, with every deviant act known to man at our fingertips. It is confusing for women, who must find some common ground where they satisfy their own and their man’s desires and still keep their self respect. For men too, many who still struggle with the madonna/whore complex and can’t reconcile a healthy sex life with a brain full of nasty shit they were watching on their phone on their lunch hour.
     Essentially, I think we want it all, and we are bludgeoned with a million different versions of what “it all” is, every minute of every day. How could we settle for one person when we are exposed non-stop to so many ideals, real or imaginary, every moment of our life?
     We no longer live in reality, so what chance does a real relationship have? We have too many choices, and half those choices don’t even exist, and the other half are not realistic on our budgets or lifestyles. We have unrealistic expectations and we are scared to act on them even if they presented themselves.
     Of course, I do know people in relationships and marriages, and some of them actually seem happy. It’s not for me to say whether or not they are healthy or good relationships, some seem to be. The thing is, almost none of them are really traditional. Not that that’s a bad thing, more or less, society and social mores change and grow, so why would things be like they were even a few decades ago?
      A lot of the relationships I see these days are two people living very separate lives, which again, is not necessarily a bad thing. I think people need to maintain their individualism in a pairing, that’s important. It’s also important to be able to spend time together, and share your lives and experiences. I’m not sure how much of that is going on in the world today. I see so many couples, out to dinner and both of them are staring into their phones. Or worse yet, one of them is and the other is looking forlorn and lonely and unsatisfied, across the table from their lifemate who cares more about Facebook or the football game.
     I also see a lot of couples that don’t look comfortable with each other. They don’t hold hands, or they seem awkward or distressed. The best is when I catch one of them looking at the other when their back is turned with a mixture of bewilderment and disgust on their face.
      That is something as old as time itself also, people that are together just because they are afraid to be alone. They grab the first thing that comes along and try to fool themselves into thinking that they are happy or because they think that's how it's supposed to be. I think most people are everything, all at once. We are lonely, but not lonely enough that we want to tie ourselves down or get ourselves hurt. We want security and we want freedom. We want to settle down and be able to cut and run whenever things get bad. We want someone we can depend on and count on and makes our heart race when we see them, but we don’t really feel like putting that kind of time and effort back into a relationship.
     In a nutshell, we are lazy and selfish. There are many people out there that think the perfect relationship would be if you had a partner that you could just turn off and put in a closet when you didn’t need them, and see them maybe once or twice a week. The rest of the time they were safe and secure in their cubbyhole, and you wouldn’t have to worry about keeping them happy or wonder what they were doing.
     Admit it, there are some of you that think that would be great. It fits in with our on the go, everything at your fingertips world. We are used to having what we want, when we want it, so why wouldn’t our brains apply that same principle to our love life?
     We all have jobs now, and those jobs seem to demand more than they ever have. The employers have the upper hand these days, and they demand so much more for so much less, it seems. There are so many things pulling at us, making us feel obliged and responsible, guilty and shamed.
      There are so many more temptations too. Private messages on Facebook, dating apps, secret texts and phone calls. So many predators waiting to jump in at the slightest hint of trouble in your relationship. Stalkers and creepers, playing on your doubts and insecurities, and once you go down that road you assume your partner is too. Then you’re doomed.
     Our own fears and desires and stray thoughts do us in. We not only project past hurts and abuse on our current lovers, but we project our own idle thoughts and desires on them too. We see how much temptation and wrong decisions are out there, and we assume that our partners won’t be able to handle it like we do, so we write them off before they can do it to us.
      There is reality television, which isn't reality at all. TV makes a lot of money with shows about how we never know the person we're with and how anyone can be a serial killer hiding in plain sight. Murder porn has ruined what little faith we had in each other.
      Then there is the fact that the older we get, the more we see of the world and the more we are ground down by the sometimes unsettling truths of life. We live in a fantasy world, but it is filled with very real and disheartening things that jar us from it all the time. When we were young, we were made to feel better by the simple reassurance that everything was alright. Now that we are older, we know that it’s a lie. Nothing can ever be alright again. It can be tolerable. It can be ignored for awhile, or dulled with alcohol or drugs or sex or whatever thing you use to make it temporarily bearable.
     But life is still waiting for you when you’re done escaping.
     It used to be that we thought we would find that one magic someone, and they would make it alright again. So now the person that makes us feel that way is looked upon with suspicion and distrust. You expect that to be taken away, just like everything else.
      Then life happens, and you realize that even that person is just a person, fallible and disappointing at times. We should expect them to be, but we don’t. We still insist that our soulmates are different, and we can’t bear it when they aren’t. We expect too much, and we are quick to throw away the people that love us just because they can’t live up to some unattainable ideal.
     The contest is rigged from the start, and the questions have no right answers, and we get to say “aha!” when our loves inevitably fail.
     That’s wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how we hit the reset and get us all back to the place where trying your best and being loyal and true was enough, and a simple grand gesture once in awhile meant the world. Intimacy seems to be a fleeting thing, romance seems dead, replaced by fear and trepidation, lives spent waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mutual trust and understanding seem to have disappeared too, and we look at each other’s phones and the search history on our computers. We all seem to be living with so much unease, often about the people we are supposed to be closest too. We have royally fucked ourselves up.
      Then there's the whole other thing with sexual compatibility. I have known so many people in relationships where the sex, while not horrible, wasn't that good. They figure that it's a trade off. Have something solid and comforting and expect the sex to be blah, or in some cases nonexistent.
     Who is going to be fulfilled with that? No one, no matter how much you try to convince yourself. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, but we are so childish and immature about it. We never talk honestly about it and feel ashamed by our own feelings.
       We also bring so many other people's stuff into our own relationships. We see what they go through and we project it into our own situation. We listen to their opinions when they don't even know the whole story because we always leave out the embarrassing parts where we come off badly. We are not true to them or ourselves, so how can we expect a helpful answer?
      Basically, now more than ever, there are a million things working against ever having a successful relationship.
     But there still are. There are still couples that are happy and stronger and better because they are together. You can say they are fooling themselves, you can say they are deluded and living a lie, you can try to put it down and attack it anyway you want.
     No matter what happened in your love life, or with your parent's relationship, that fact remains that there are still couples out there making it work. Just because I can only think of maybe three or four makes no difference. They are out there, and most of us aspire to it, or else we wouldn't keep trying.
      Maybe we all need to change something about ourselves. Maybe we need to put more effort into it, and develop more staying power. Relationships, like everything else, require work. Anything worthwhile does. They also require faith, and that can be hard to come by these days. Many times you need to spend years restoring faith because some asshole before you destroyed it in the person you love.
     It's hard to have a relationship with someone that can no longer trust anyone, and many times that person is you. We don't even trust ourselves. We question our own decisions and we are so afraid of playing the fool yet again.
      I don't know what the answer is, but I know a lot of people that go to bed lonely night after night, and most of them are not really happy about that. They just think that the thing they want so much might not exist. That's soul crushing, and so many of us have convinced ourselves it's okay.
      It is not okay. Love exists. Just never completely on our own terms. Our whole society seems to be in a “my way or no way” state right now, and nothing in life can be accomplished without compromise. Compromise isn't a loss, it's a win for both sides. The sooner we understand that, the better things will be.
      I hope it's soon. The love of your life is having a miserable time of it too. They are waiting, just as you are, to have that one person that they know loves them for the amazing person they are and will give that love back.
     All your dreams are waiting to come true, and as usual you're the only one standing in the way.

Saturdays With PBS

     Some weekends (every weekend) I will find myself sitting on the couch with nothing to do. That is a lie. There are a million things I could do, but the thought of willingly going out into the world and coming into contact with other people seems to go against every reptilian survival instinct that ever flashed through my brain. No, I won't be doing any of that. 
     Instead, I find that by noon my day has ground down to a tedious hum, flipping through the TV channels hoping to God I won't have to watch another Lifetime movie. 
     I have watched an embarrassingly large number of Lifetime movies. They all seem to involve wayward teenage girls, teachers seducing students(or vice versa), evil husbands concocting convoluted schemes to murder their wives or wives murdering their husbands in self defense.  
The self defense murders usually occur within the first half hour, and the rest of the movie tells of the trial and aftermath. This usually involves the wife being demonized by the community and the press, and when all hope seems lost a plucky female lawyer appears to take the case and get her acquitted. 
     Usually Tyne Daly is involved. 
     There was a time when it seemed that an actress named Kellie Martin appeared in every other Lifetime movie. I hate that I even know who she is. I mean, I'm sure she's a very nice person, and a serviceable actress, but whenever I hear her name it fills me with shame. And I'm a guy that proudly owns every Bangles album ever made, so it takes a lot to shame me. 
     Never mind that I get 200 + channels on satellite. Forget that I have hundreds of hours of unwatched programming on my dvr, or instant access to every show On Demand. Also, forget that I subscribe to Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime, or have access to YouTube on my TV. 
I have a weird quirk (the word we use when we don't want to sound like we're skirting the edge of insanity) where I don't ever feel like watching something that I could watch any time I wanted to. Perhaps I'm afraid I will miss something that's on now and will never get a chance to see again. Which of course, is impossible, due to the On Demand and Netflix and YouTube etc. 
     I'm the same way in my car. I don't even have a cd player. I like to listen to the radio, to be surprised or discover something new, or get that warm feeling when I hear an obscure song that seems like it was played just for me. Or because, you know, the insanity. 
     At any rate, I invariably end up watching cooking shows on PBS. Don't ask me why. I like to think I'm a big fan of PBS, but I probably only watch about 10% of their programming, if that. How many eccentric, turn off the century sleuths were there? Why do I care about a bunch of stuffy, boring wealthy people and their poor, boring servants? What in the hell is a Tavis Smiley? 
I like Nova and some of their other science shows, and the Sherlock series, and Austin City Limits. Also, apparently, their cooking shows. 
     On a side note, I think it's hilarious that whenever they have a pledge drive week, my local PBS channel only shows doo wop reunion concerts from 15 years ago, self help programming and Australian Pink Floyd cover bands. It's as if they know that no one would give them ten cents for their regular programming choices. 
     My parents love the oldies concerts, and they usually end up donating when they break into “Duke Of Earl” to solicit money. I'm curious how many people give money to support them based on the temporary programming during pledge week, only to tune in next week and wonder who Ken Burns is and why he made a sixteen hour documentary on Millard Fillmore. 
     Back to the cooking shows. There's America's Test Kitchen, which sounds as exciting as its name implies, and a spin off(!) called Cook's Country, where the annoying not quite a hipster but way too much a hipster host has to act like more of a hipster by moving the show to his Vermont farmhouse. 
     America's Test Kitchen usually shows you how to prepare two or three recipes, but never the way normal people normally cook them. There is always some complaint about the how some aspect of every recipe leaves some element of the dish too dry, or too creamy, or too delicious. 
As they prepare the food, they make all kinds of humorous quips, told in the hilarious stylings of PBS hosts, which is to say that they are not even remotely funny. 
     They are witty, but such a dry wit that if the jokes were recipes they would devise a change in the recipe to infuse them with chicken broth, or brine or crawdad squeezins. Of course they would never say crawdad, they would say crayfish, like they did today when they related an interesting anecdote about something some chef said 100 years ago about preparing a bisque. I am playing fast and loose with the word “interesting”.
     They also have a segment where they have the host taste test various products that they have already tested with a panel of ordinary people (yuck), and he smugly gives you his opinion and why these plebeians that dared offer their opinions on whether or not they liked a certain cream cheese have no idea what they are talking about. 
     For some reason, this is better than watching an American Pickers marathon. 
     The show that follows these shows is A Taste Of History, where they make authentic dishes from bygone eras, usually involving whole birds of varying species and desserts made from root vegetables. 
     Now I have never in my decade of watching America's Test Kitchen ever felt the desire to try any of the recipes. I am certainly not going to try to recreate some horrible dish from ancient times with ingredients that if I asked for them even at Whole Foods I'd be laughed out of the store. 
     No, I won't be making Fried Lake Perch with Sally Lunn Croutons, accompanied by Chestnut Fritters. I don't need to eat the things George Washington ate, thank you. Cooking has come a long way since then. I'm not looking to relive past culinary experiences. I don't go to an 18th century dentist, do I? No, because dentistry is much better in modern times, just like food preparation is. 
     There are a bunch of shows that have the chef’s name in the title.  Lidia’s family table, which is Italian food.  I live in Pennsylvania, where people pronounce Italian like Eye-talian, and whose idea of Italian cuisine is spaghetti and meatballs.  I grew up eating Italian food, so I spend the half hour criticizing and berating Lidia for not preparing her meals the exact way my family did.  It’s as annoying and heartbreaking as you are imagining it.  More so, in fact, counting in my poor descriptive skills and your lame imaginations.  
     Then there’s Simply Ming.  Ming Tsai is the host, and I assume he does some sort of Asian fusion thing, but that’s horribly racist because I am basing that solely on his name.  I immediately zone out the moment the show starts, and I although I stay tuned in the entire time it is on, I really could not tell you one thing about it.  I don’t even know if Ming is indeed Asian, but he has to be, right?  Right?! Fucking Ming, making me realize something about myself.  That’s just like PBS to make me feel bad for something as minor as a little racist name association.  
     I feel I should mention that I don’t zone out because Ming is Asian.  I don’tW even know for sure if he is Asian.  I just zone out because the presentation bores me for some reason.  Not a racist reason! I can’t stress that enough.  I better stop trying to explain myself, I’m just making it worse.  
     There is the Jazzy Vegetarian, which I always think I would like, but of course, I don’t.  Being a vegetarian, I always think it will be great to learn some recipes for dishes that conform to my chosen lifestyle.  Well first off, she’s not that jazzy.  I realize that jazzy is a relative term, and everyone probably has a different definition of what being “jazzy” entails, but she’s just not it.  To me, she seems like one of my mom’s friends that pretends she has a cooking show, but because of some mix up at the studio, someone actually is filming her.  
     One of the things I discovered when I became a vegetarian is that you really don’t need to do a lot to learn how to cook without meat.  Just cook things without meat.  That’s it, really.  I don’t need to sit and watch some self-proclaimed “jazzy” woman figure it out for me.  Yet I do.  I sit through all these shows, and I have no reason for doing it.  
     There are several shows with Jacques Pepin, and I feel safe in assuming he’s French.  Again, I kind of zone out whenever he appears, and that’s because I hate all French people.  Just kidding.  I just hate most French people, like any normal human being.  At any rate, Jacques cooking shows are like most cooking shows on PBS. They involve complicated gourmet meals that I really couldn’t be bothered cooking.  
     Not that I should have to explain this to anyone that is even remotely familiar with me, but I am not married, have no family, and do not entertain much.  And by entertain much, I mean not at all, unless you count various miscreants stopping by occasionally to drink or do drugs.  I don’t even do that anymore.  So while my life has become this sad existence where I watch cooking shows all day about meals I will never make, I feel that it could be much sadder.  I could actually make the meals, and sit at my lonely table with too much food, crying into my Fromage Blanc Jean-Victor with Roasted Garlic. 
      Or whatever horrible thing they try to get me to prepare.  I am actually a pretty good cook, and I go back and forth between jags where I will cook healthy, tasty meals every night of the week and when I will just order pizza five nights in a row.  It’s like culinary manic depression.  
     There are other shows, some which I only see one or two times before they are yanked off the schedule.  I remember a show about mexican food, hosted by a woman that claimed to be mexican, but clearly wasn’t.  Or maybe she was, what do I know?  I’m apparently racist.
     Luckily, I fall asleep by the late afternoon, and I will wake up in a panic because it has gotten dark while I was sleeping and now I don’t know what time or day it is.  
     But then I remember.  It is Saturday.  Another Saturday I have wasted watching smug, elitist cooking shows that remind me that I am alone and unwanted.  Now it is Saturday night, and I don’t even have that.  
      So I segue into phase two for Saturday.  I turn on TBS and order a pizza.